Dress Shopping 101

Yesterday as I strolled through the mall, I came to several conclusions regarding me, the universe, and dress shopping.

1. When purchasing a dress, one ought to first do something strengthening, or perhaps bring a companion along whose sole purpose is to tell one that one is beautiful, regardless of how flattering garments appear draped over your frame.

2. Dresses are not made to fit you or anyone else. If you find a dress that both fits you and looks good on you at the same time, you are entering into a quantum disturbance and should hurl money at the cashier and flee before being caught in the event horizon.

3. Crying will not help you find a dress.

4. Neither will screaming.

5. If you are young, reasonably attractive, thin, and over 15, you should shop in the old ladies stores, because you will never find a dress in a store targeted to your age group. Why? Because stores you think are targeted to you are in fact hoping to ensnare 10-13 year-olds. If you have been through puberty, you can't shop there anymore. Confused? Ask your mother.

6. Pretty dresses are usually made of disgustingly cheap material that will shred once touched. Therefore, one should not expect to find a pretty dress. Or a well-made one.

7. If you can find skirts that fit you and shirts that fit you, you will be unable to find a dress that fits you. If you can't find shirts that fit you or skirts that fit you, you will be equally unable to find a dress that fits you.

8. If you think losing ten pounds will allow you to fit into the dress of your dreams, you are incorrect. In fact, you will need to lose a ribcage and both pelvic bones.

9. If you think shopping online will help you, you are probably wrong. You might find the style you want, but the construction will be dreadful, and the dress will not fit you.

10. If a dress fits you, chances are that all other women within a hundred yards of you actually hate you, even if they haven't realized it yet. If you model this dress in the fitting room for friends or relatives, strangers will hiss under their breath and look for an appropriate weapon.

11. If you purchase a constricting garment in order to better allow for dresses to fit you, dresses will still not fit you.

12. If you have broad shoulders, a sleeveless or strapless dress would be flattering. Such dresses, however, are not designed for your broad shoulders and thus will not fit you.

13. Dresses that look beautiful on a hanger will look like a smock on you, or...

14. They will look like a sausage casing, or...

15. They will position your hips at your waist and your waist at your bust, and be pornographic when you lean over.

16. Once you have tried on four dresses, you may as well go home. Failing to do so will result in despondency or self-loathing.

17. The models wearing the dress you like in the picture over the counter in the store are freaks of nature. They are raised on diets of gruel and water, then forced to throw up their meals, then they have their hip bones shaved down to prevent them from appearing visible when they put on a fitted dress.

18. If you have low self esteem when you walk into a dress shop, you will have no self esteem when you walk out.

19. If you know what you're looking for when you walk into a dress shop, you will never find it.

20. If you always see pretty dresses in certain stores, then go back for them, you will never find a pretty dress at those stores again.

And finally, if you sew or know someone who does, you're better off just buying fabric and making it yourself.

So I am!

Although I have no doubt this project will be taken over by Mom the instant I suggest it...