Those Darn Kids: a Rant

This is hugely rant-y, but what can I say? I rant sometimes.

I am secretly an 80 year-old woman. Not chronologically, but internally. I have fun. I really do. But my patience for the things happening in the world around me has fallen drastically in the last 10 years, to the point that I firmly believe that the whole world IS going to heck, just like my grandpa always said, and that we are all screwed.

On Sunday, I sat down on the floor, drew my knees up to my chest, and leaned my upper arm on my knee for approximately five seconds. I have a massive bruise on my arm from where it gently rested on my knee. I moved my arm, felt a twinge, looked down, and watched the bruise form within a few seconds. So I bruise like an old person already.

I spent about 14 hours, at the end of last week and through the beginning of this one, painting a backdrop to use in our summer reading program photobooth. My spine is ruined forever.

But never was my old age more obvious to me than during my first viewing of The Avengers: Age of Ultron. *

I went with The Brother, Jennifer, Brandon, and Andy. We went to the AMC theater, which is freaking expensive for this area. If I go to the movies in Huntington, it's $7.50 for a ticket. In Wabash, it's $5.00. At AMC, it's almost $10.00, which is just crazy for this part of the country. ** That is not counting popcorn, which should come with the ticket, because you cannot have a movie without popcorn, or the gas you have to use to DRIVE to the theater, which is a lot. I would not mind so much if AMC was not also the theater that advertises the most prior to a movie. I do not want to pay to be advertised to.

So I thought, I will do what my friend Abby told me to do, which is to get the loyalty card. They were half off. She said that it made it almost comparable to going to a normal theater, and you can get $10.00 off every once and a while. So I did it.
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Then we went in and got seats. As we were buying tickets, getting drinks, and sitting down, I watched what looked like two 11-12 year old boys and two girls around that age buying tickets, then heading in to the same theater. They sat in the front row.

I am childless and unwed, but I spend all day with kids, and I like them. Some parents think people with kids don't get it, but I see what life with kids is like. I see it all day. I know it's next to impossible to corral children, take them from place to place, work a full time job, and still manage to keep them (and yourself) clean, fed, and out of oncoming traffic. It is not the same as being a parent myself, but it is enough to teach me that I'm not interested in that sort of thing. I think you have to love your kids more than you hate what being a parent puts you through, and I don't think that's who I am. I'm selfish, and that's okay, because I'm single and unwed. If I weren't, I'd have to change, but I am, so I won't.

I have pulled kids off shelving units, brought them in from where they were playing unaccompanied in the parking lot under the tires of an idling SUV, bandaged knees, and read story after story out loud. I have been the sole caregiver to a group of five kids ranging in age from ten to two years old when their parents decided the library was cheaper than daycare. Being a librarian is about books, but it also contains a mixture of the job responsibilities of a preschool teacher and a social worker. When I'm finished with work for the day, I'm emotionally and physically exhausted and all I want is to leave work and spend time around adults who know to sit quietly at the table, to not launch the stub of their ice cream cone across the table like a cannon, and to refrain from smearing food on the ground even though no one knows where the food came from in the first place. I like my peace and quiet. I like it so much, I avoid going to kid places, like Red Robin, Walmart, and...the movies.

Through the entire movie, these kids talked. They didn't just whisper, they shouted, because they couldn't hear each other over the sound of the movie. It never occurred to them that their conversation was less important to those around them than the movie. They also couldn't yell loudly enough, so they would shuffle seats every few minutes in order to shout directly into the ear of the person they wanted to speak with.

They also had their phones out the whole time.

After the first 20 minutes, I got up and talked to one of the ushers. The manager came in and told them to be quiet. Nothing happened. I went back out and talked to the same manager. Nothing happened.

At that point, I figured what the heck. The manager wasn't DOING anything. I half expected her to come back and check, but no.

So I lost my temper a bit. I fumed through the second half of the movie, and by the time it was over, had resolved to Do Something.

I went out to the lobby and complained about the whole experience. I asked the manager (the same woman) what people had to do to get kicked out of an AMC theater. Apparently, one more complaint from me would have ousted them.

But let's think about that. I spent about 20 minutes of that movie walking to and from the theater and discussing the problem first with ushers, then with the manager when they fetched her from the office. I spent the remainder of the movie dealing with the kids. Should I have had to go back out and complain some more? Should my entire movie-going experience be dedicated to ensuring that my fellow viewers actually get to enjoy the movie I paid to miss?

(All of those questions where rhetorical.)

The manager gave me a free pass to come see another movie, but really. If I come back with that free pass, will my movie be the same? I think it will. I think enough parents think it's okay to drop off their kids to see a PG-13 movie (even though they aren't old enough), that there will be other kids next time. I think the theater doesn't bother to check ages, even if they could, because it would hold up the lines and the kids don't have IDs to check anyway. They can lie. I think even if the parents had been there sitting next to those kids, nothing would have been different.

I think theaters should require you to bring your own headphones, so you can put them on, block out the noisy people around you, and hear only the movie you're watching.

I think that there should be a Vow of Silence movie theater, which will not admit anyone under the age of 21 and involve cones of solitude so that you can watch your movie in peace.

I think that more films should be available for iTunes rental the second they hit theaters, so you don't have to be anywhere near people if you want to watch them.

I think this is why people build movie theaters in their basements.

I also think I'd better be careful on stairs, in case I fall and break a hip.

* Yes, I missed Loki, but I love this movie so much, I have already been again and will go some more for SURE, because Avengers. Basically, it is everything a movie needs in one package. Action, adventure, wordplay, running gags, and Joss Whedon.

** Before you start, yes, I know this is still cheap if you live in a more populated area. I mean, I was shocked when Kelly told me how expensive the movies were in the city! But I do not live in the city, where movie tickets cost lots of money. I live in the country, where you basically have to bribe us to go out in the evening and do anything other than watching high school sports. We do not earn enough to afford entertainment budgets beyond the cost of a tenderloin at the county fair. Know your demographic, AMC.

Unsolicited Parenting Advice

There will be MILD spoilers for Captain America: The Winter Solider in this post. Nothing huge. But I warned you.

Look. I'm not a parent. I'm not. I should preface this with that statement. I don't profess to know how hard it is to raise kids. But I do know common sense. And that is where this advice is coming from. Common sense.

Note that this advice carries over to baby sitters, older siblings, licensed child-care providers, neighbors, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and other people charged with the care of young children for any length of time.

I went to see Captain America: The Winter Soldier tonight. It was a great movie. Think political intrigue meets spy thriller meets comic book heroes, because that was the feel. I highly recommend it. Go see it. See it twice.

But not with your four year-old.*

Listen. This movie is bloody. It is violent. People die. Some people die TWICE. (That was the mild spoiler, right there. All done now.) And violence has an effect on your kids. (It really does. There are STUDIES.)

There are superheroes, and kids love superheroes. But watching someone explode is not how your child should learn about anatomy. This is a scary movie. This is more scary than a four year-old can handle.

Before you ask, yes, there was a preschooler behind me at the movie. And yes, he was sitting with someone older. His maybe eight year-old brother. His parents were there, too. But they didn't so much care that their child 1. talked through the whole movie,** nor did they care that 2. Their child kept asking his brother why people weren't moving, why that person was hitting the other person, why people were hurting Captain America...you get the idea.

Your kid is not emotionally mature enough, at age four, to differentiate between reality and fantasy. That's just a developmental fact. Kids don't get the difference between that until they hit six or seven. Yes, a few years make a big difference. if you don't think so, take a child psychology class. Or watch your kid. One of the two.

Your preschooler will look at Captain America, and even if you tell them that he is make-believe, they will still not GET that he's make-believe. Captain America, like Santa Claus, is real to them in their head. Now, following that, imagine your kid watching people bleeding out on screen. If Captain America is real, and he is on screen, does it not follow that they will think that the bleeding is real, too? (This is a rhetorical question.)

Your child is not in a war zone, so it's a good idea to protect them from even the idea of one, since they're lucky enough not to HAVE to see that kind of violence. Celebrate that fact by watching the many great films made for kids--and adults--of all ages.

The bottom line is, your preschooler is not ready to watch the end of Old Yeller and they aren't old enough to watch superhero movies that aren't animated. If you want to have a good time and go see Captain America, go. Take note of Black Widow's necklace. And go.

But before you leave, dial up a friend or neighbor and ask them to look after the kids, because honestly, your kid should not see someone explode (or with third degree burns or without their head or without most of their blood) until they are at least old enough to tie their own shoes.

That is your free parenting advice, from your friendly neighborhood youth services librarian who, yes, has studied child development long enough to tell you you're doing it wrong.

* Also not with anyone younger than four years of age. Also not with anyone older than four by a few hours, or maybe even a few years. I would say 10 or 11 is a the YOUNGEST a kid should be before they are exposed to the kind of mass-death involved in an action movie.

** The parents now owe me $7.50. So do the people sitting three rows in front of us that were playing with their cell phones. That's six people now owing me $7.50, meaning that even with refreshments, I'll turn a profit on this night-at-the-movies thing if I could only get everybody to pay up.