Plastic Surgeon, The First Visit, and How to End a Blog Post

Jennifer graciously agreed to accompany me across the state (not exactly that far, but it was a LONG way from my house) to the plastic surgeon's office.

The whole appointment took less than fifteen minutes. The doctor looked at me, told me I needed to really be tested for a latex allergy, which miffed me because I HAVE been tested and am allergic. This annoyance grew through the day until the inevitable Twitter rant began. This also proves how well Kelly understands me.

I swear I am putting that attacked by bees thing in my future author bio. It is both accurate and HILARIOUS.

The doctor also explained how I (and my insurance company) would pay him to hack a chunk out of my face, sew it up, and send me home without so much as a candy from a jar or a sticker. Then I would be all done.

He used nicer terminology. He also told me that it was high time this mole went away--apparently it is more worrisome because it has blood flow. So he is sending it to a lab, which is lovely. (Sorry for the TMI post, guys.)

This will be way better than my other surgeries, because I will not have to be unconscious. It will also be worse because I will have to watch.

And now a break for gallbladder disease humor, because I have saved so much of it on my computer.

Then Jen and I went to Target, got Starbucks and ate at Biaggi's, making the whole trip completely worthwhile. We have also decided that we need to make all of our shopping trips before noon on weekdays, because it is much less busy than on Friday or Saturday nights.

We also talked blogging, and I told her about how I never know how to end these posts. Most of the time I just want to type"Okay, bored now."

Introducing, Frankenplanner!

It is no secret that I like things organized. I used to alphabetize all my CDs, when CDs were a thing. Now I have my books sorted according to genre, then alphabetized. I keep my knitting patterns in binders (inside plastic sleeves), sorted by the type of garment or accessory. Because that's who I am.

When I redesigned this blog, I decided it was a good idea for me to redesign how I looked at it, too. Usually I write posts when I'm inspired...and that's inconsistent at best. So I thought I'd make a planner, so I could try for some sort of consistency.

I looked around for planners for bloggers. They are out there. Here's the thing: I don't really care about monetizing. I'd like to be one of those people. I'd love to launch a business based on me sitting around in my pajamas eating pulled pork barbecue in bed, but that isn't really who I am. Someday I might work more on this, but not today. Most planners for bloggers--free and pay-to-download versions--are set up to record pageviews, money earned, and so forth. I write this blog because I love to write. If you guys enjoy reading it, I consider that a win. If I make you guys laugh, the Blogger stat counter can't record that. It would be nice if it could, but I think it would also be pretty creepy.

The Goal: A well-designed planner, on the cheap. 

Three-Ringed Binder: Target (Only in stores). $3.00. It is floral and pretty, and did I mention how it was only $3.00?
Pencil Bag. Target (Only in stores). Free to me. Mum found a matching pencil bag that fit inside, to hold my pen, washi tape, post-its, or whatever else I think needs to stay inside. She surprised me with it. She is awesome.
Pen, Printer Paper, Cardstock: All gathered from stashes inside the house. 

Total cost of project: $3.00

I needed, I thought, a monthly view as well as each week broken down so I could write notes and clearly map out everything. I also wanted blank pages (or near-blank) to scribble down anything that might inspire.

Sadly, none of those things existed in one FREE template. I wanted free.

I was forced to create a Frankenplanner.

I found the 2014 calendar here on Love Vs. Design. The calendar is free. There's also a store, and tons of other freebies, but I tried to stay focused today, so I didn't do too much exploring.

I found the portrait-oriented monthly calendar pages, designed by Lia Griffith here on her website. You can download the calendar here. The month headers are made to look like chalkboard signs, which I love. You can also edit the pages, meaning you can type out birthdays, anniversaries, or any other important date. She also provides a link to the font she used so your additions fit right in! I'm going to check back in 2015 to see what she does next.

For fancy pages focused on each week, I went to Remaking June and printed out enough to last me for the remainder of 2014. I only used her "The Week Of" page.

I also found pages for inspiration, I think these were intended for lesson plans, here on The Handmade Home. I didn't use the whole 2014 planner, but you could do so if you don't mind having to turn your binder to the side for the monthly calendar view. I think I'll use her 2015 planner (which you can get already).

I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. The next few months will serve as a test period to see if I actually use Frankenplanner. I tend to get planners and fail to use them. Wish me luck.

How to Design Your Blog In 20 Easy Steps

I realized through my design process that graphic design is hard. People who do it for money should get paid a lot. They also should get free coffee and unlimited shortbread cookies.

1. Take a look at your blog and find it wanting. Decide you want a change.
2. Convince yourself that you are capable of making the changes yourself. This can be accomplished with the help of your friends and their blogs, Pinterest, or a simple Google search. Blog design is easy! Anyone can do it!
3. Download 60 or more new fonts for no apparent reason.
4. Look at some blogs you admire for inspiration.
5. Download digital scrapbook paper from various sources.
6. Upload scrapbook image to Blogger. Realize that the new background is obviously tiled.
7. Remove background. Resolve to purchase cookies.
8. Read many blog posts from blogs you admire. You haven't gone through all their archives, after all.
9. Adjust your blog's layout. Maybe the sidebar could be a few pixels narrower...
10. Add some pages. You should have an about-me page. Even if it says nothing of note. And even if you find yourself boring. Everybody has one. You should too.
11. Find a way to make the Blogger bar go away from the top of the page. Eat a cookie as a reward.
12. Adjust your blog's layout to make the sidebar even narrower. Eat a second cookie.
13. Play around with making a header for your blog. Decide you hate this header. Repeat three more times.
14. Accidentally delete your current blog template.
15. Avoid crying by eating another cookie. Realize others might want to taste some of these cookies before they are gone. Hide cookies from self in cabinet.
16. Make another header. Decide header is hideous and nothing will ever make you happy again. Retrieve cookies from hiding place. Realize the flaw in your plan is that you know where the hiding place is.
17. Spend several hours on Pinterest looking at design tutorials. Realize that Blogger tutorials from 2008 aren't going to be of any help. Regret consumption of last cookie.
18. Learn how to use web fonts in CSS. Add fonts. Realize that fonts do not work. Weep.
19. Drop $15 for Blogger template provided by soothing website that somehow manages to make you feel good about yourself with its descriptions.
20. Upload template.

The only reason why step 19 was not drinking was because we are out of blackberry wine. So I had to skip that step and go straight to buying a template.

My template is from Designer Blogs. Thanks to them, I am not crying on the floor of my bedroom (anymore). Check them out here.

Official Warning

Hello, all! I have made an executive blogging decision! I am quite pleased.

When I started this blog, it was with the intention of becoming a knit-blogger. But here's the thing: while I love to knit, I quickly discovered that I hate writing about knitting, knitting in order to blog about it, photographing my knitting, and reviewing knitting-related things. What I like to do is write about my hilarious family and shocking near-death-experiences. I like writing humor. A few years ago I changed my blog's name to reflect the actual content. But now I'm going to finally change the url.

What this means for you: You'll need to make sure you update whatever method you use to follow my blog with the new address.

I think this transition should be pretty easy. I'm going to make sure I keep this url and redirect you back to it, just in case you forget. You can always reach me on Twitter in case you need the new address or you just want to tell me to be more careful when I walk around barefoot in a house that is suddenly filled with shards of broken glass (No, really, Mum broke a tiny hourglass and shards of it are everywhere) and razor-sharp magazine holders (my second toe will never be the same).

But that's not all. I'm also going to pretty this blog up a bit. For ages, I've been meaning to sit down and actually make my blog look...GOOD. I have never really liked the design, but when I started blogging (and up until I started doing web design for the library two years ago), I didn't know anything about html, css, or all the other stuff you need to know to customize your blog's design. I'm going to begin the redesign process, and one day, you will take a look at my blog and think, "Wait...is this the right place?" It will be, it will just look different.

I am also now on Bloglovin, because it's high time I got myself organized. Therefore, feel free to follow my blog with Bloglovin if you so choose.

Running Blogs and a List of Things

Whenever I start a new thing, I hunt down several blogs I like about the thing, so I can have encouragement. Either the blogs will give me something to laugh about, something to strive to accomplish, or they will bring new interest to the thing when it gets old. I did this with knitting blogs, librarian/book review blogs when I started at the library, sewing blogs, various fitness blogs, and now running blogs.

The blogs I stick with are written by awesome people I would hang out with in real life, like Stephanie from The Yarn Harlot and Estée from Essie Button. I also keep up with John Green's Tumblr and vlogs, because he is hilarious online and in real life. I'm not giving you a link because if you don't know who John Green is, I don't think we can be friends anymore.

Other things that ruin a good blog are as follows:

1. Pop-up ads or surveys. Anything that restricts my ability to read what I'm currently reading and then follows me as I try to scroll away will make me hate you and never read your blog again.
2. Sites that are too busy. Even if the content is awesome, I will never read your blog if you have long lists of links along both sidebars and no actual blog posts are visible from amongst the chaos.
3. Moving blog headers. I hate these. If your blog header is moving, it's because you want my computer and phone to stop working in order to load your blog header. So no, I will not be reading your blog.
4. Invisible content. This is a made-up name for something that annoys me. It might have a real name. I don't know what the name is, though, so I made one up. This is when you have a title for your blog post. And that's it. Or maybe you have a title and two sentences. And that's all. But it isn't REALLY all, because if you click that little "Read More" link, you get the full post. No. Just...no. If you're going to have your blog set up this way, you MUST give me at LEAST a full paragraph AND a hook before making me click to a new page. Do it the way Smitten Kitchen does things. Seriously. I need a detailed introduction. Otherwise I think your blog post isn't that important to you and it shouldn't be to me.

Note that all of these things are about style and not about content. Yes, there are content deal-breakers, too. I won't read a blog if the blogger doesn't believe in grammar or punctuation. If there is excessive profanity, nope. The list was about things that ruin a GOOD blog. You don't have a good blog if you can't write well. 

I haven't really gotten into running yet, not enough that I want lots of technical jargon or product reviews or race reports. I've found two running blogs that are funny and relatable, which is the most important thing. Here are two running blogs to try, written by two hilarious ladies.

The T-Rex Runner

Even the title of this blog made me laugh. Danielle is hilarious. She began the blog to document her goal, which is to run a marathon in all 50 states. The goal is insane, but she's on track to finish exactly when she intended to, even with the back surgery she's having today. Also this one time she went to Evansville and ran a marathon there, and smelled the tortilla factory, and her reaction was exactly as mine was. Why does something that tastes so good smell so terrible?

Lazy Girl Running

The title of Laura's blog (yes, she's a Laura which automatically makes me like her), is very descriptive of me as a person, so when I saw it on my Google search results for "funny running blogs," I clicked instantly because I thought that the author might understand me and my lifestyle. She's also written for The Guardian, among other publications, and she has a book which I'm absolutely going to read now, as a part of my quest to become overly informed about running.

A Modest Proposal: In Which Dad Is Hilarious But Also Shy

I am a good daughter.

I might be snide and obnoxious. I might reply sarcastically and roll my eyes from time to time. But I am a good daughter.

I always remember birthdays and Father's Day and Mother's day. I do odd jobs without being asked. I fold clothing that doesn't belong to me. I trade cars so vehicles other than my own can get fixed.

I just want that on the record.

Dad went hiking on the Knobstone Trail. And when he got there, the trail kicked him around like a gangly freshman facing off against the whole varsity football team. That trail was really something, and unfortunately, Dad wasn't. He tells the whole story here.

At the last leg of the trail, Dad left his pack behind. And when he came back for it...it wasn't there anymore.

Oops.

But that isn't all. Early this morning he left for Colorado--

And something so hilarious happened, that I cannot stop laughing.

Unfortunately, Dad told Mom that he didn't want me talking about it on the blog. Or on Facebook. Which is tragic. Because it is the BEST STORY EVER.

So there is only one recourse. One thing that YOU can do to ensure that this story GETS TOLD.

My dad has a blog. You, if you are so inclined, can go to his blog and leave a comment on his latest post telling him that he needs to let me tell you what happened. He hasn't been getting tons of hits on his blog, because it is so new, so if you impress him by commenting, he'll realize that THE PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW. You can also, if you're a member of our church or a friend of Dad's on Facebook, go harass him on Facebook or by texting him your requests. Feel free to completely spam his blog, Facebook, and phone if you have the capability.

I leave this all in your capable hands.