Thursday, January 12, 2012

Inside Laura's Head: a Play in One Act

Act One

[Camera pans over library. Laura sits in desk chair, staring at cell phone. She is visually nervous. Narrator is offstage, speaking for Laura as she sits quietly onstage.]


Narrator: Some days, I am like, "It's so great that today is almost over, and I get to go home and have fun because today is Fri--Thursday. Crap." Because on Wednesdays and Thursdays, I don't leave work at five. I leave at eight.

Today is one of those days.

And that creates a problem, because I was making plans with Jen for a Girl's Night, and all week I have had the startling realization that it is not the day after the day it actually is, so planning things, it has been hard.

So tonight, due to my stupidity, will have to be Girl's Night Abridged. And that will be fine, except not if I told Jen that I finished work at five like I think I did, and I think that is what I did. I think I told her five. I meant eight. Math has never been my strong suit.

Now, if I were a normal girl, which I am not, I wouldn't freak out about this.

But I am not a normal girl. Like I just said. I'm not. Really.

I am Super Anxiety Girl, who creates imaginary mistakes for herself, then punishes herself for them. Like right now.

[Laura quietly freaks out]

Narrator: I'm all like, "It's three-o-eight, Jen! CHECK YOUR CELL. Have you checked it yet? Get with the checking!"

But there is no new text.

Which means Jen still has no idea about the late-working-ness of tonight.

[Laura continues to freak out]

Narrator: It's three seventeen. THREE SEVENTEEN. Is Jen out of school yet? She must be. I think we used to get out of school at three back when I was little. Didn't we? Was it three or three-twenty? I can't remember. Stupid Laura can't remember. *freaks out some more*

This is not good. I will go down in history as Laura, the Bad Friend who tells people wrong times of things.

I wonder if my cell phone keeps a copy of texts I have sent?

[Laura checks cell]

Narrator: STUPID PHONE, RUINING MY LIFE.

It it clearly the phone's fault. Also, I am such a bad texter! I text terribly, and I cannot get messages unless I turn my phone on and off and stand up on top of my bed to get a signal! I get messages hours after they were sent! This is my phone's fault!

Except that no. It is my fault. Because I am a Bad Friend.

[Laura freaks out even more. Checks phone again, keeps staring at phone]

Narrator: It might be okay. Jen has never murdered me before. I am still alive, after all. But what if she is BORED. Alone and bored, while I am working? Well. Then the boredness would be my fault. Because I suck. I am a pile of suck.

Stupid Laura, ruining everyone's life.

Especially Jen's.

Stupid, stupid.

Little Voice In Head Whose Job It Is to Kick Laura When She Is Down: [From offstage] "Also you look stupid in those pants and are generally unattractive!"

Laura: "Shut up, you."

[phone lights up with new text]

Laura: [reads text out loud] "Yes, You did." [sighs and slumps back against chair]

[Stage lights off. Exeunt Laura]

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