Monday, May 4, 2015

When Did I Become This Person?


When I was in high school, you could not have paid me to do any sort of exercise. I dressed for gym only because I didn't want to get in any kind of trouble with my gym teachers, because they were physically fit and I was afraid of them.

In college, I put off any kind of gym class until the last possible moment, which was when I needed credits to fill out a semester. Stupid gym. I took yoga, because it involves breathing and being able to touch your toes, and I was good at both of those things at the time. Now I am only good at one of them.* Then I took karate because I wanted to not get murdered by someone who was out to steal my virtue, and I learned many many ways to kill people but no ways to incapacitate someone and flee.**

After college I stopped doing all sort of exercise at all, because not moving and instead watching season after season of TV series was way more fun. Also I started eating for entertainment because for some reason no one was giving me reading or other homework assignments anymore, which was a real drag. I miss homework. Why won't anyone ask me to write them an essay anymore? I miss essays.

I was diagnosed with asthma, which made the majority of my life make more sense, because breathing shouldn't be hard and it always was. This made me take medicine and also sit more. You don't have to overwork your lungs if you sit. Your lungs can take a break when sitting happens.

But then Erin had to peer-pressure me into starting The 30 Day Shred, and after that, I felt like I was cheating if I wasn't exercising. So now I have become the sort of person who does different things.
  • I have two special pairs of shoes and a whole other wardrobe dedicated solely to fitness activities.
  • When I go to Old Navy, it is to see what fun exercise clothes they have on sale. The 40% off sale thing they do is like CHRISTMAS.
  • At T.J. Maxx, I look at the home stuff, the shoes, and the fitness clothes. Sometimes I venture into the other areas. But mostly not.
  • I run three times a week, but I wish I could run every day. That is because I harbor the belief that running will at some point get easier. This is a lie, as illustrated here.
  • Every step I take, every move I make, this happens:
  • That torture was not enough, so I started using all the weight machines at the gym, too.
  • That was also not enough, so I started this 30 Days of Yoga video series.
  • Today I ran two miles, then did 40 minutes of yoga because the one 20 minute video was also not enough.
  • I am looking forward to my allergies getting less hideous, because then I will do all of this fitness stuff outside instead of inside.
  • I am now willing to go outside.
  • Although it is spring now, and so my eyes have no moisture at all, and I am using eye drops just to blink.
  • There are not enough eye drops in the world.
  • I still took a walk outdoors today with Darcy.
  • I am in bed eating apricot-raspberry thumbprint cookies right now. This is a healthy choice.
My aunt called on the phone today and asked how I was enjoying my day. Basically I told her that I ran and then did yoga, and basically she was horrified. Then I realized in shock that when I started exercising a few years ago, it basically changed everything about how I define "fun" and "health" and what amount of sweat I consider socially acceptable while in the presence of others.

I'm going to put in some more eye drops now.

* Asthma. Because asthma.

** My teacher only taught us kill moves. He was a very small, very angry man who thought that if you got into a fight, you had to be willing to END the fight. With terminal intensity.***

*** That is an X-Files reference, and if you don't know it, it means you haven't watched season two of the X-Files, and you need to fix that now. Seriously. Watch the X-Files.

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