Saturday we had library tours running and I thought I would be an awesome tour guide because I would tell people what they really wanted to know about places, like the cold honest truth, and the tours would be fantastic and everyone would be mystified and maybe also a little afraid of my knowledge, because no one wants to know where someone has pooped on the floor years previously.
I would walk people around a fancy old house, and I would say things like, "This is where we found something we thought was ectoplasm this one time, except really it was something gross someone brought inside and spilled. Or it could have been ectoplasm. We didn't ask a lab to check or anything. Jello, or ectoplasm."
I would point at doors and say, "this is where we found a spider the size of my hand," or "a baby fell down there because his head was so big, he stopped running but his head didn't." Babies tend to grow into their giant heads. But the falling down thing is always funny for a year or so.
I also would play fun guessing games, like, "What do you think we found living in this room? Multiple choice options: A. Mice, B. Feral Cat, or C. Person?" Correct answer? All of the above!
I would point at the wall of the old house and say, "That wall is fake to hide the mold!" or "This is where we put buckets when it rains."
Seriously, an historical house should hire me.
We would walk into the door and I would say, "This place is either possessed or haunted, but the boss won't let us hire ghost hunters. Sign the petition on your way out! Plus also one time someone was murdered here, or maybe they just died. Or they could have moved. The paper didn't say."
My goal would be for the people to learn what was important about historical places, like how many bodies are buried on the property, not just when it was built. No one cares about that. They do care about how many accidental decapitations took place before they fixed that nasty broken stairway, though.
(In other news, this entire post was written when my blood sugar was so low, I felt like I was going to pass out. But I ate some Oreos. I'm better now.)