Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Writing Out April Nardini: A Noble Quest

I hope by now you have all heard the GLORIOUS news. The Gilmore Girls are coming back! On Netflix! Amy Sherman-Palladino is back! Everything is happy again!

As I read discussions online about what people wanted to see in the new episodes/mini movies, I thought of the one part of Gilmore Girls that I don't want to see. APRIL. April is the worst thing that ever happened to the Gilmore Girls. Seriously. That child was a plague, with her atonal voice and her bizarre bicycle helmet and her constant whining.

I cannot deal with more April.

We wish Luke had a goat instead of a child. We wish.

So, for the purposes of assisting Amy Sherman-Palladino with her writing, I have decided to compose a list of things she can use to explain April's absence.

  • April is attacked by bees. They swarm, cover her, and when the swarm dissapates, April is gone.
  • April becomes a part of the avocado tree she grew. It's the pits.
  • A temporal phenomenon erases April from history. Wait. Who's April?
  • April is abducted by aliens she spied through her telescope. Her memory is wiped, and she is left alone in Siberia forever.
  • In order to finally win the science fair, April accidentally creates a zombie-virus. She is subsequently consumed.
  • April is the first confirmed case of spontaneous human consumption. Her ashes are featured on an upcoming X-Files episode.
The truth is out there, April. Trust no one.
  • The ghost of April haunts everyone. She is exorcised by Mrs. Kim's pastor.
  • April decides to go on a trip to explore the desert. She is eaten by snakes.
  • April meets a gorgeous, tan guy who looks like Mickey Hargitay, and ends up wearing a moomoo playing the tambourine and jumping up and down at the airport, part of the same cult Babbette left behind years ago. Later she is pushed from a moving car.
  • April moves to a shack in the woods where she writes long and rambling letters to celebrities, stops bathing, and believes all other scientific minds are conspiring against her. Life goes on without her.
I mean, sure, Amy Sherman-Palladino could just not mention anything about April and hope we all get the point, but I think it would be more satisfying for me, as a viewer, to see her consumed by angry angry bees. I mean, it's feasible, right? Wasps attacked me once! Bees could totally go for April. Maybe they're attracted to turquoise. It's much more believable to think of April drawn up into the sky in a beam of light than it is to think that Luke would have a surprise kid who just-so-happens to be a kid genius and appears suddenly when Rory's finally "grown up" and her cute kid time is over. Don't think that isn't why April's character was developed in the first place, because IT IS. Someone really believed they had to replace Sweet High School Rory with another precocious highly intelligent kid after she became Living With Boyfriend Rory.

That someone was wrong.

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