Tuesday, May 12, 2009

H1N1 Appliance Death Virus...or the Conspiracy of the Repairmen

The Dishwasher Guy came today. That's the guy Lowes sent to install our new dishwasher, which is an appliance sent by God to assist we lesser mortals with our day to day suffering inflicted upon us since the fall.

Dang.

I've been using tons of Biblical stuff in my writing today. And not really in the way I think I'm supposed to.

Crap.

And look. All of those semi-bad words Dad never used to let me use as a kid because he said they were substitutions for nastier words I didn't know existed. He is so totally right. I am completely going to Hell now.

Blast.

Meet me by the skin pit? I hear Laurie Notaro is going to be there, and she's a riot.

Back to my point. The Dishwasher Guy. Dishwasher of Glorious Victory, delivered with Serephs singing and strumming of harps! And my house, the den of human desperation, filled with dirty laundry (waiting for the washing machine still) and dishes (waiting for dishwasher, now arrived).

And he used his blessed (bless-ed like Shakespeare, there) tools to wrest free the cursed (curse-ed again like The Bard) villainous monster of hate and overflowing dishwater. And it was gone from this place. And taken from us, cast out like vermin from our sight.

And there was much rejoicing.

But then, he bent down and said, "Huh."

Ohcrapohcrapohcrapocrap--what-if-there-is-something-wrong?

THEY ARE GOING TO DENY US OUR DISHWASHER!

Mom replied, "What is it?"

And then he spilled out the awful truth. It seems, the SEARS guys from SEARS that were SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING happened to remove the old old dishwasher and replace it with the new old dishwasher without doing a thing they are supposed to do, because they are stupid and probably hate us and want us to suffer.

They were supposed to put in a thingie that would catch the water if something happened to cause the dishwasher to plug up and want to overflow. A something Mom and I hypothosized about last night, when imagining what a better designed dishwasher should be like.

We are just geniuses, you know.

In fact, by not putting in the thingie, they in fact committed a crime.

Yeah! Seriously--a crime!

The SEARS guys are totally going to jail. Or Hell (the special Hell reserved for people who are really, really evil and not just church kids that don't live up to people's expectations). Or both.

And not putting the thing in can make the dishwasher overflow all over our kitchen carpet (I know) just like what happened all those times! They made it happen!

So the Lowes guy, who is super smart and should win Dishwasher Awards of some kind for being a cool guy, could not put in the new dishwasher because that thing was supposed to already be there and he didn't bring one.

The new dishwasher is now sitting in our garage, waiting for that important part that ought to have been in there with the other dishwasher(s) all along.

I'm taking bets on how long it will sit there. The guy said a couple of days, maybe. Who says a week? Two weeks? Repair people use different calenders than we do. It is a temporal flux, a distortion in the space/time continuum.

We'll see what happens.

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