After I snatched up the eyeliner, I went over and got some furniture polish, because I am cool like that. Then it happened. Something no one had ever thought possible. Something that I would have found absurd and unbelievable if I had not experienced it myself. It caused me to tweet this:
So I met a very attractive man at Walmart. (This is the first and only time that phrase will ever be spoken.)
I knew the people Attractive Man was with, and they noticed me. So I stopped and they introduced me to Attractive Man, who, I might add, was tall--TALLER THAN ME--and had red hair. He was like Alan from Sarah Rees Brennan's Demon's Lexicon books, only without the limp (but I bet I could fix that by kicking him in the shin repeatedly).
Now, most girls would have smiled winningly and attempted a hair toss, but the last time I tried that, I got dizzy and fell down, and I can't toss my hair because I have chopped it far too short. Also this is what happens when I attempt to be alluring.
So I was forced to fall back on my usual standard for Coping with Members of the Opposite Sex.
Step One: Smile. Make eye contact.
Step Two: Realize you have smiled and made eye contact. Become overwhelmed by raw terror.
Step Three: Talk to someone else, anyone but the Attractive Person.
Step Four: As politely as possible, flee.
Step Five: There should not be one of these. You should run faster.
Once I arrived safely in my car, I realized that I am, for all intents and purposes, undateable. This caused me to tweet some more.
He looked like Alan without the glasses and I almost swooned right there, but instead I did what I always do, which is run away."What if he starts to hang around the library all the time?" My friend Kenzie asked. "Where will you run?"
I am very good at fleeing from potential suitors.
Attractive guy: "Nice to meet you." Me: "Is that a bird?" *points up* Attractive guy: "Wait. Where?" Me: *vanishes*
"Well, if he comes to the library," I responded. "It will be HIS turn to run away."
This is what flirting looks like in the world of Laura. This is also why I am still single. And will likely be so for the remainder of my life.
I drove home, got out of the car, and confronted my father.
"It is your fault I am this way!" I insisted. "If you had not convinced me that all men were evil and attempting to deflower me by any means, I would be able to not be terrified of all men, including my male friends!"
"Sorry," Dad said. He knows what he did. HE KNOWS.
"Also, this man, he is your DENTIST. So...IT IS MORE YOUR FAULT THAN BEFORE."
"Oh," Dad looked confused. I later discovered this was because he had changed dentists without my knowledge and his current dentist is a 50-ish year old man who listens to simply the worst easy listening music from the 70's and 80's you could possibly imagine, so Dad was somewhat concerned to discover that I found him attractive.
I shared my plight with Twitter. The advice I received made a certain kind of impossible sense.
@darcybear Have you considered trying "BUY ME AN ICECREAM CONE* RIGHT NOW."? *or hot chocolate, depending on the weather
— Cassandra Yorgey (@CassandraYorgey) March 27, 2012
Could this in fact be the way things should be done? Could my tried-and-true method of mortal terror and flight be the WRONG way to meet people? Don't answer that.
I think I need to hire a relationship proxy, so that said person could introduce me to people and then bodily restrain me to prevent me from running away. Or maybe an arranged marriage? Do we still do that?
Don't answer that, either.
*Newsflash: Laura in gold eyeliner looks much the same as Laura in not-gold eyeliner, which is to say, it would take a few professional make-up artists for me to pull this gold-eyeliner look off effectively.