Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Change Is Evil and Should Not Be Permitted

Blogger has a new format. And it is confusing and a little frightening, but mostly it is just so minimalist that I can't tell what part of the editor is the part I'm supposed to write in and what part is the frame around it. In short, change is evil and I HATES it.

In other news, I am getting a new stereo in the car, which is great because the old one does not work, but evil because the circle that my radio sits in will all have to be replaced, meaning my heat and air conditioning controls will be DIFFERENT and therefore WRONG and EVIL.

And I have purchased a plane ticket and registered for BEA (Book Expo America), and while that is hugely exciting and will be completely fabulous, the act of making a CHOICE that will CHANGE my life in some way has made me so nervous, anxious, and unsettled that I have been on the brink of a panic attack since Sunday.

That would be sad, but understandable, except for the fact that I made ANOTHER minor-life-changing choice last week, and the simple act of asking to change my work schedule had me on the brink of a panic attack since Monday of LAST week, meaning this is week number two of sheer terror, and I have resorted to using a quarter dose of Tylenol PM as a light sedative in order to function*. Also it feels as if someone is strangling me, because of the tightness in my throat caused by maxing out on adrenaline.

In other words, I am a complete wreck. I do not know why this sort of thing happens to me. I wish it didn't. And if getting rid of the panic was a simple matter of powering through it and doing the thing anyway despite the terror...I would already be cured. So instead, I yawn a lot (due to the strangling sensation), do deep breathing exercises, knit, and try to distract myself from the situation.

And I hope it will go away, because there is something inherently depressing about going through your life unable to do anything different without being struck down by panic attacks. So this post exists because I want to complain, loudly and publicly, about this situation. I do not like it. I am frustrated by it. And I really am excited about BEA and all the other new things...or I will be, soon.

* Before you ask, yes, I have seen a doctor about this. I was prescribed a POWERFUL medication that knocked me out for several days and remained anxious throughout that time. The only difference was that I had suddenly been changed into a potato, and no one seemed to notice it but me. Needless to say, I did not take a second dose. The doctor also gave me another ineffectual medication which served only to make me yawn every thirty seconds and also did nothing for the anxiety. After trying that, I told him "NO medication," and that is where we are today.

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