Tuesday, May 6, 2014

The One About Laura's Weird Feet (and How Easy It Is to Break Them)

It is possible that I shattered my own bone yesterday. If I did not destroy the bones of my left big toe, I did some other damage to it, because I have never woken up mid-scream before.

See, yesterday I was putting on my shoes to take Darcy out, and as I did so, my left big toe felt odd. It usually feels nothing, because due to my freakishness, my big toes actually lean toward my index-toes. This means when I line my feet up, instead of having my big toes parallel to each other, they instead point away from each other. If you were to trace a line alongside each big toe and then close the top, you would end up with a nice triangle.

These are not my feet, but this is what it looks like. That picture is from this blog post that talks about the horrors of high heels with narrow toe boxes. That was not what caused my toes to be weird. I always wore classic 90's clunky boots with huge toe boxes, so how my toes ended up snuggling together is anyone's guess. They have been this way since I was a kid.

Toes are so gross. Once I went into a Borders with a close-up picture of a bunch of people's feet lined up hanging on the wall in the cafe. I am convinced that it was why the Borders chain failed. Who wants to eat a scone when they're looking at gross feet? No one, that's who.

My big toes have two main problems (1) there is a space along the top of my big toes that is essentially numb and (2) sometimes my big toe joints crack or pop, which I always assume is their way of going back where they belong. They do this on their own. All my joints crack and pop, so it isn't really abnormal for me. Still, I'd rather none of my joints ever pop. That's just a personal preference.

As I put on my shoes yesterday, my left big toe popped. It made an audible snapping noise, the kind of noise a twig makes when you crack it.

The noise was not immediately followed by pain, so I continued with my day, went to sleep, and woke up to my alarm this morning.

When the alarm went off, I rolled over as I always do to turn the thing off, still half asleep. What really woke me up was the howl of protest from my left big toe. My alarm and my scream woke me up the rest of the way. Fortunately, the scream was muffled by pillows.

It does not seem to be a bone problem. I still can bend and move the toe normally. It is not bruised and does not appear swollen. But oh, my. The last time I was in this sort of pain, I had been scissored open by a doctor and chunks of me were removed and thrown away. I don't know what tendon or muscle snapped or popped free, but it had to have been something important, because putting on socks brought tears to my eyes.

I drove to work holding my left foot up off the floor so that nothing touched it, because no one deserves that much pain. I considered taping up my toe, in the hope that it would help, but the only tape we have at home is latex surgical tape, which would kill me. So instead I sit here, waiting for my toe to just finish falling off the rest of the way so I could move on with my life.

Oh it hurts. Please send English toffee and lots of ibuprofen. Maybe send ice, too.

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