Monday, December 8, 2014

Laura Has a Freaky Tiny Face

The hunt for frames begins. It may continue for many months.

My eye appointment, at which my prescription will be updated so I can actually BUY glasses, is on the 15th. However, I realized when I set the appointment that I am an impulse-buyer of frames. I know myself. I know I will walk into the eye doctor and try on frames for two minutes, decide I like one, and buy it on the spot. This can not happen this time. For two reasons:

  1. I need glasses I can wear everyday. I stopped wearing contacts altogether, so I need a pair of glasses that is both trendy and classic enough to last several years. They also must be neutral enough to go with every outfit.
  2. I need sunglasses, too. Driving with a pair of sunglasses put over your actual glasses is uncomfortable. I mean, my sunglasses are huge, but nothing goes over normal glasses properly unless we're talking those glasses they give you after cataract surgery, and I don't have a pair of those sort. This means I need two frames--because I can't handle transitions lenses--and that means I need two AFFORDABLE frames. I still need to eat food, drive my car, and pay other bills.
I went into a place they have in the mall, which was nice. The brother got his glasses there. They look really good. While there, I learned two things that were sobering. First, women like their glasses to be jewelry, I guess? I do not want spangly things on the sides of my frames. I do not want those expensive crystals they put on wedding dresses stapled to my face. I do not want ornamental designs including the maker's logo. I do not want giant Cs put in a fancy ring around the side of my face, or a specific blue that means they can charge an extra $200 for the frame, or Fs or YSLs woven around with fancy silver work. Nope. I want glasses that, if abandoned at a lost and found, would cause confusion as to whether the glasses belonged to a man or a woman. I want gender neutral frames. Is that too much to ask? 

The second thing I learned is more difficult to cope with. It is that I have a freakishly skinny face. I knew this already, but this place didn't have a big selection of teenager glasses, so I couldn't easily find a pair made for a 12 year-old and move on. No, I had to look at the grown-up glasses, which were HUGE on me. So I went to the children's frames, and they were just a tiny bit too small. The one thing all the frame sizes had in common? Unflattering. Apparently, in frame-speak, I need the first number to be a 48 to a 50. No bigger. Most of the glasses they had there for women? 54s. That is four of something bigger than I can look okay in.

I might be doomed.

Usually, when I run into this problem (it has happened every time I've gotten glasses through my high school years, college years, and adult years), I just switch out the lens and keep the frames. I have only had two frames in the last 16 or so years. But these frames, unlike their predecessor, were worn every single day. They look a bit worn. They will look even more worn if I wait another four years to replace them.

What I need to do is eat a lot of food and gain weight only in my face. That will work, right? 

Now for a collage of failed frames.

This is what it looks like when you cannot see the phone you're using to take a selfie.
All of these frames were designed for children. The only one that looks too small is the upper right, which was the only pair Mum and I actually liked (if they were big enough). The adult size was so big, the bottom of the lens ended near my nostrils. The bottom right are good for sunglasses, but just good. Not great.

Seriously, I have a creepy stare of blindness.


  1. Here's your third opinion. I like the pair on the top left, and I LOVE the sunglasses in the bottom right. them.

    1. The sunglasses have really grown on me! I think you're right. I might need those...