Friday, December 5, 2014

This House Does Not Exist: How UPS Delivers a Package

5:00 PM   Laura returns home from Fort Wayne. Asks if a package has arrived. Family responds that no package has arrived.

5:05 PM   Laura checks tracking information for package and discovers that UPS has listed home address as "incorrect." Having lived in the same home for almost her entire life, Laura has the address memorized and can easily spot that the address UPS has is...the correct one.

5:20 PM   Having finally created what might be her 16th MyUPS account, since the website never recognizes her username or password, Laura saves the address just as it was before (since it was correct) and clicks the live chat button.

5:45 PM   Laura concludes conversation with UPS lady online. UPS lady "corrects" the correct address to be correct. It remains correct. Then she contacts the local UPS office, in Bourbon, IN. Laura thinks she wouldn't mind drinking some bourbon right now, if bourbon were less disgusting. She thinks. Laura has never tried bourbon, but she thinks it would probably be gross. UPS lady says local UPS office will call before 8:00 PM to

discuss shipping with Laura.

6:33 PM   Phone call from local UPS office. Laura takes cell phone to window in order to keep cell signal.

6:34 PM   Laura looks outside window to see actual real-life UPS truck sitting on road outside house. Watches UPS man walk around front of mailbox and past sign on mailbox labeled clearly with home address.

6:35 PM   Laura relates to UPS lady on phone that the UPS truck is outside. Watches as UPS man gets back inside UPS truck and drives away.

This is how fast the UPS man drove away from my house as I watched him leave.

6:36 PM   UPS lady on phone loudly replies, "Really? Oh, crap. Crap, crap, crap. I'll call you back." Phone goes dead. Laura decides she likes this UPS woman. She also decides that the UPS driver is probably a moron without access to Google Maps or even that Apple map program that made all of those poor Australian people drive out into the middle of that nature preserve that's so large that it can not be crossed on a single tank of gas in any motor vehicle not specially adapted for the purpose until the hapless drivers ran out of gas and were unable to leave the preserve even on foot because desert, making it necessary for the Australian parks people to station a special truck in the preserve just to rescue the stranded motorists. Laura thinks the UPS man will probably not be a UPS man for very much longer.

7:00 PM   Laura realizes that the UPS man and his truck are probably not turning around and coming back to the house this evening. Laura holds on to hope that the box inside the UPS truck will somehow magically arrive this evening anyway, because it has her new teacup inside and she really wants to use it. It has bees on it.

via Anthropologie

7:50 PM   Laura waits for lasagna to come out of the oven. Laura waits for phone to ring or for the UPS people to finally come back. Laura accepts that neither of these things are likely to ever occur, since the UPS people are probably trained using this manual.

8:25 PM   Laura eats the lasagna. No call, no UPS man. Laura amuses herself by looking up funny UPS pictures on the internet and using them in a blog post.

8:41 PM   Laura checks tracking with the hope that the tracking information will show the status of the package that Laura expected to receive by phone. Tracking information reads: Delivered. Left at side door at 6:45 PM. Family begins to check side doors.

8:42 PM   Laura wonders if by "side door" UPS meant "side door of Hell."

8:44 PM   Mum shouts for Laura to come to garage entrance. Package was left proped against garage door. When door was opened, package fell into the garage. Package was filled with various breakables.

8:50 PM   Laura unpacks box to discover nothing broken inside. Also unharmed by being left in the rain for what Laura can only assume was two hours.

8:52 PM   Laura realizes that this means the UPS man must have knocked on the garage door and no other doors, due to various family members being home and near all entrances to the house for entire evening. UPS driver, Laura thinks, is really just as dumb as previously thought, and probably spends most of his days drooling onto his brown coat as he drives around the state chucking packages out into the rain regardless of their contents or "Fragile" stamps.

8:55 PM   Laura enjoys a cup of tea.


  1. UPS delivery men are generally idiots, IME. It's unfortunate that there's a noticeable difference, but USPS and FedEx are so much better. Perhaps the entrance exam isn't quite as thorough...

    1. I think you're right. The man left a package outside in the rain instead of knocking or ringing the doorbell. All the lights in our house were on. We're terrible at turning off lights. He would have noticed the three cars in the driveway, too. Just didn't feel like knocking, I guess.