Tuesday, November 24, 2009

And then Buffy staked Edward: Laura's Token New Moon Rant

You knew it was coming, didn't you? And I don't disappoint.

If you haven't seen the movie, stop reading now. Well, stop reading if you intend to see it. Because all that comes after this sentence--this one right here--will be a spoiler.

I'm warning you.

Back away now.

I'm not listening to complaints like I didn't warn you.

I so totally did.






Is everybody ready?


First, you should know that I went to see this movie with a bunch of friends at work, then again last night (yes, I went to the movies on a Monday night--is there something wrong with that?) with Jennifer because I am too nice to turn her down, but not nice enough to go with her without spending the entire time making fun of her and complaining about being forced to see the movie twice when I didn't really even want to see it once.

Well, maybe I wanted to see it.

I wanted to see it a little.

But only because I read all the books and I was curious about what might have been changed.

Seeing it a second time gave me the added insight I needed to really tear into this the way I wanted to. But before i do so, I must say that this movie was so much better than the first Twilight movie, I can't even begin to explain it. The first one was bad. Reeeaaallllyyyy baaaaddd.

But still, the only aspect I found worthwhile was the music--some of it. Oh, and Bella's mittens. Which I'm knitting, by the way. In gray, to go with my new coat and scarf.

As soon as I go buy yarn.

Here goes nothing...

1. Edward never made eye contact when he talked to Bella.

See, that's a problem. It conveys insincerity, so when you're a "gorgeous" vampire whose girlfriend has self esteem issues, it's not such a good habit to have.

2. Bella has two facial expressions: Scared and apathetic.

This is bad when you're supposed to tell someone you love them, but you don't look like you care they're even there. It is also bad when you're supposed to be crying, but instead you just crinkle up your face and walk into the wilderness, then curl up in the fetal position and cover your face so you can hide not having tears.

3. When Sam came out of the woods holding an unconscious Bella, he was bare chested, wearing only cut-offs.

Now, maybe in a world of werewolf transitions, keeping clothes around is hard. But where I come from, a dude coming out of the woods with a passed-out girl, when he's half naked? That makes a person think he was doing something he shouldn't have. Just saying.

4. Whenever the Cullens are filmed, they are coupled off.

So, no Alice without Jasper (except where made necessary by Stephanie Meyer's writing--like the Italy trip), no Rosalie without whatever his name is--Emmett? And no Carlisle without Esme...you get the picture.

Do we not know which one goes with which? After all this time? Really? It kind of gets annoying, looking at them all standing like supermodels for no other reason than just to be there. And Emmett and Rosalie had maybe three lines between them--only Carlisle and Alice had more than that. Why even show them except to make them the token vampires?

5. Carlisle had three scenes in the film. Two in present day. And in those two scenes, he was wearing the same outfit. Okay, maybe I'm wrong and it wasn't exactly the same, but seriously. The clothes were so similar, its like he didn't even bother switching in all those months...

6. The camera was basically caressing Jacob's naked body. And that kid was 17 when he filmed the movie. So, isn't that like...inappropriate?

Also, when your "heartthrob" tears off his shirt for no real reason, and the audience laughs...well, laughter? Was that what they were going for?

7. I was all excited about the evil Italian vampires being...evil. They kind of were...but people laughed when Aro was being evil and thinking about killing Bella, and that shouldn't have been funny.

8. Charlie's mustache.

How can anyone on the hair, make-up or costuming staff think that looks good? What were they thinking?

9. That hug, between Bella and Jacob?

That was not a friend hug. Okay, maybe that was not so much a flaw with the movie as it is a flaw with Bella! What a jerk!

10. Did I mention that Edward looks like a meth addict?

He looks sick. Really sick. More so when he's compared shirtless to Jacob, who looks, I don't know...alive? Sure, I get the whole vampire paleness thing, believe me, I know pale. And in order for me to go on, I have to believe pale looks good. I am a pale girl. But you shouldn't make your lead guy, the man who we all should want Bella to end up with, look like he ought to be hospitalized. Really. That was enough to make me choose Team Jacob, even though in reality I'm still in Team Anyone-But-Bella.

Seriously. If you have one character looking that sick, wouldn't it just make sense to try and, I don't know...keep the sick concealed a little? You could button his shirts up all the way to avoid the whole "man cleavage" thing, and when you do make him do the shirtless thing, you could try and lighten up on the death-makeup, just to try and keep him looking like he didn't just spend six months in a hospital bed. Just saying.

This leads right into...

11. Can I ask one thing? Can I never have to spend a whole movie staring at shirtless guys? Chest hair is gross. So are the sticky-out veins people get with big muscles. So when they're all blown up to twenty times their normal size and plastered over a movie screen right in front of me, it gets a little old.

Jennifer? Anything to add?


  1. In response to #6, when I saw the movie Saturday afternoon (because why pay full price?) there was gasping when he took off his shirt. I may have laughed at that. Loudly. Oh, we have things to talk about tonight, it would seem. (You'll be there, right?)

  2. Ugh! This is murder! Why, why did I have to go grocery shopping in Fort Wayne with Mom last night! Forget stuffed mushrooms, I want to rant about New Moon!