Monday, March 9, 2015


Instead of walking, I am sloshing. It is very uncomfortable. Is it possible for a human to drown by drinking too much water? What qualifies as "too much," exactly?

I thought it would be a good idea to actually be hydrated. Hydration is good for you. The government says so, plus all sorts of fitness experts. Healthy people drink water. I drink...not enough water. Maybe like two glasses a day, plus milk, tea, and non-water liquids. This is not as good for me as drinking all of the water would be.

So I started using a planner. It's cute, right?

Using a planner gives you a blanket excuse to buy large quantities of Korean stationary and pens.

I thought, "They make stickers for water consumption! I should use something like this, to keep myself accountable! It will fix my sinuses. It will fix my LIFE."

I downloaded some printable stickers, printed them on regular paper, and used a glue stick. I can't find sticker paper. I think all these pretty planner-keeping people are making sticker paper up. It doesn't exist. It's code for, "We know how to make our planners pretty, and you are new to this. Let us haze you with fake sticker paper."

So far today I have gone to the bathroom more times than I usually go in one day. Is water supposed to do that? I would die if I were a teacher. I would suffer duel kidney explosion, and my students would stand over my dead body and drop spit wads into my open mouth as they waited for the principal to notice that I was a corpse instead of a responsible adult.

I stuck the fake-stickers into my planner for every week until after New Year's Day. That is many weeks. That is over half a year. I will not run out of water log "stickers" and then give up drinking water. Plus the little not-quite-stickers-but-also-not-bookmarks will stare at me from each week's planner page, telling me quietly, "You suck for not drinking water...this is why you get headaches and also why you are less pretty than you could be, if you drank water. Water drinking people are pretty people, without that fancy cream you bought. THEY don't have chronically dry skin. Their skin is made of velvet and the hopes and dreams of puppies and also angel kisses."

Those are some judgey water log faux-sticker-things.

The stuck-on-paper-bits say I should drink eight glasses of water each day. The Mayo Clinic says I should drink about "2.2 liters of beverages" per day. They count other sorts of beverages, including soda. They say it's not AS good as water, but as long as you don't feel thirsty, you're okay. The eight eight ounce glasses thing maths out to 1.8 liters. The Mayo Clinic says that's fine, so I'm sticking with that, since it's easy to work out. This means I need to drink three refills of my water bottle per day, total. That much water seems unimaginable at this point.

Why worry about doing this if even the Mayo Clinc isn't stressing? Because I want to stop drinking so many calories, that's why.

Being healthy is stupid. All it does is make me have to go to the bathroom.

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