Monday, June 15, 2015

Cigarette Javelin

Saturday, I was at lunch, and a man (who was basically the hillbilly version of the Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files--suit and cane but with beard and farmer tan) was smoking a cigarette outside of the local museum. He was all of a foot from the entrance. Then he decided he was done and, without warning, threw the lit cigarette like a javelin at me while I was walking down the sidewalk.

Then he stared at me like he'd never seen a woman before.

I was like, "Dude, I would expect to have lit cigarettes thrown at me in a biker bar, and that's why I don't go to biker bars. But in front of a museum?" I was unprepared.

Then I was like, "Do I stand on this cigarette butt, which is still smoking, or do I carefully walk around it so that my feet don't perpetually smell like cigarette smoke for the rest of the day at work? I opted to pretend that the cigarette butt did not exist.

Now, I have seen this dude before, always outside this very museum.

I don't know what show this is from, but I always feel this way when I see people smoking right outside
the entrance of a building.
This leads me to believe he 1. works there, 2. volunteers there, or 3. is on the board of directors or trustees or something. No matter which of those things is true, you'd think that professionalism would stop him from standing at the entrance, his hand on the doorknob, to take his cigarette break instead of doing so behind the building outside of view. Not to mention the fact that, in Indiana, you have to be eight feet from the entrance of a building in order to smoke, even though I have never seen this law enforced by anyone ever.

The only thing I can think of is that going behind the building would mean he'd have fewer targets at which to throw his cigarette, or that he really wasn't supposed to be taking any kind of time away from the inside door of the museum while it was open.

So, I guess what I want to know is, on a scale of "Stuck Watching the Same Ad Again and Again While Streaming a TV Show Online" to "Kicked in the Back for Hours in Coach on a Tiny Plane by a Loud-Talker with B.O.", how annoyed would you be by having a cigarette hurled at your head while you take a walk during your lunch break?

(Seriously just Googled "Hillbilly Cigarette Smoking Man" to see if there were any images. No one had made this Photoshop magic happen yet.)

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