Friday, August 21, 2015

Let's Talk Feet

I know, feet are gross. We need to accept this and move on, because your feet are part of you, and they deserve some attention. Especially if you like sandals.



I was at a restaurant the other day, and I looked down when I dropped my napkin. The tables were close enough together that I got a glimpse of the feet of the man at the table next to me. Suddenly, I wanted to burn the napkin, the carpet, and the entire restaurant to the ground. Because his feet were a whole new level of repulsive. I'm talking dry, cracked, calloused heels that have whitened and then picked up filth from the world outdoors...that kind of nasty.

Grossed out yet? I certainly was. I was so grossed out that, on the pretense of throwing away the paper napkin I had dropped, I moved seats so I couldn't see the man's feet anymore. I wish I could forget ever having seen them. But I can't.


When you wear sandals, you need several things:
  1. Clean feet. Wash your feet. Wash your whole self. If your feet look dirty, that means you're dirty. And that is why showers were invented.
  2. Nails that are not yellow, flaky, chipped, or otherwise diseased. Are your nails gross? There's probably a cream for that. Or a pill. Go to the doctor. Your nails are sick, and you need medicine.
  3. Good circulation. If you have bad circulation, you really shouldn't be wearing sandals. It can really screw with your feet, because you don't get support that's good enough. PLUS there are more opportunities for you to injure your feet, which then will not heal properly because bad circulation. Your doctor probably told you this already.
  4. Heels that do not look like a medical experiment gone wrong. Do you spend a lot of time walking? Do you have calloused heels? That is okay. All of us have callouses. It happens. There are methods to deal with this.

Well, I am going to be straight with you and say I am number four. Not like the YA novel, but like, my feet are all dry and gross, no matter what lotion I buy. I have used so many different creams, you have no idea. The hemp one from The Body Shop? Done. Fancy ones from LUSH? Yep. Shea butter? Of course. I have even rubbed olive oil on my toes, then slapped on a pair of socks and nestled my feet under a warm electric blanket in the hope that warmth would help them absorb moisture. Nothing works.

I also have callouses from having weird toes, including one in the center of the ball of my foot that makes it feel like walking on a pebble all the time. No one ever sees this one, but it hurts and I don't like it.

I decided to be a librarian and do extensive research because that is what I do instead of dating people.

It turns out the weird callouses I get on the ball of my foot is because my second toe is longer than my big toe. This is called a Morton's Toe, and it causes all sorts of foot problems all of which may be solved by snapping your toes like matchsticks and resetting them correctly. You still have a Morton's Toe, but the other problems go away. Toe-breaking does not sound like fun to me. I figured I would try another option, one that still left me able to walk. I would remove the callouses. They would come back, but at least no broken bones! I went to Ulta.

There, I found the world's most amazing creation. I have had it for one day and it has already changed my life. If you have not tried it, you MUST. It is a callous shaver. Yes. Words cannot express the weird pleasure of removing your callouses with this thing. It doesn't hurt at all. And, suddenly, you can walk around without pain. I even have less tenderness in my heels. It is like magic. Foot magic.

I am not going to go into the play by play of using this thing, except to say you need to use it in the bathtub or over your trash can or something, because no one wants to sweep up dead skin or worse, find dead skin on the floor abandoned by a family member. Ever seen shaved ice? It is like that, but made of callous. Gross, but pretty awesome.

It's so cool to use this thing, I actually want my callouses to come back so I have more of an excuse to play with my magical new toy of foot magic. I should run more. Running makes my callouses worse. Or I should wear heels. Something. I just really love this toy. It is the best toy.

What it does is give you all the joy of going and having someone else give you a pedicure--without you ever having to be touched by another human being. I've never had a pedicure because I don't like to be touched by strangers, but this is what I imagine a pedicure is like. Like magic. And your feet feel so nice afterwards.

Plus my feet LOOK better. I keep telling my friends and coworkers about how magical this is. It is only $12. It is not a massively-expensive electrical device. It is not a somewhat expensive electrical device. It isn't even an expensive manual device. It is a tiny, cheap little tool, and the blade is even replaceable so after the initial investment, it's still cheap. I am in love.

Another thing I picked up to help my feet feel happier was the Earth Therapeutics Gentle Foot Peel. It is both gross and amazing, just like the callous shaver. Oddly, it has no scent that causes me allergy problems, which must mean it isn't made of petroleum byproducts. This is always a good sign.

After I did this foot treatment, I used bright, happy nail polish to finish my pedicure because clearly I am always wearing my sandals now. Except not really because my toes get cold in air conditioning. And everywhere I go has air conditioning. When I  wear sandals to work I go home with toecicles, which are like icicles made of toes.

So, if you are grossed out by your feet, try this stuff and see how it works. And if you have more ideas for me in my endless quest to have the soft feet of a wealthy courtier, please let me know in the comments. I'm always open to foot care suggestions, especially if they involve magical new pedicure tools I can spend money on.

Because apparently I like spending money on things. Who knew?

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