Monday, January 29, 2007

Weak

I have no idea what is happening to me.

As days go by, I seem to become more and more exhausted. Every day, I have trouble waking up, getting out of bed, getting dressed, you name it. Now, those of you who have read the shiny pamphlets in your doctor's office will tell me, those are symptoms of depression. But here's the thing--I'm not sad!

I'm happy. In fact, I'm ready to do stuff, like go to the mall, study, learn, see a movie, visit with friends, anything. I want to knit!

I have been to the doctor, he has nothing to offer me. I've had umpteen blood tests, nothing. I'm beginning to wonder if this thing isn't psychosomatic, but then I would have other symptoms besides the physical, right?

When I was younger, feeling this way would have been evidence to me that I was about to shoot up another four to five inches in height. I don't think that's going to happen for me. At least not in this lifetime.

Here are the illnesses Web MD has told me to look into:





That's right. Apparently, unless I am about to off myself or others in a violent way, or near death due to a critical illness, I am doing great.

So Laura, working together with a search engine and several living medical professionals, has determined that, whatever her illness might be, no one can say.

This is immensly, immensely frustrating. I cannot tell you how annoying it is to have a to-do list and not feel up to doing anything on or around it. I am sick of waking up and not getting out of bed for HOURS afterward, not feeling up to go out or to take Darcy for a run.

I spent all last semester struggling with this. I had hoped that the break I took during this month would have allowed for some manner of recovery. That was too much to wish for. Now all I can do is push myself, day by day, until this goes away or until I suddenly fall dead and the doctors finally figure out what was the matter with me.Until then, I will watch House Tuesday, then go to class the next, all the while pretending that I want to be doing all the things I do, and am not just killing time until I can fall asleep again. Sigh.

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