Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Day 14: Two Week Mark. Or, In Which I Talk To Jillian Like She Is an Imaginary Friend.

I've mentioned before how the phrase "30 Day Shred" has overtaken my vocabulary like the Black Death ripped through Europe. Mostly, I say things about 30 Day Shred now. I know how annoying it is. I know it drives my friends, family, and coworkers insane. I really try to stop myself, but I can't. It is like I have 30 Day Shred Tourette's. Like Glenn Beck with Nazis. Did you see that back when it was on the Daily Show? Because if not, please enjoy.

That is one of my favorite mockeries of Glenn Beck ever, and frankly, the man does invite my disdain, what with his theatrical crying and insincere Christmas stories.

What can I say. I am bitter, I am cynical.

But now, where Glenn sees Nazis, I see Jillian Michaels.

You say, "Have a cookie, Laura."

I take the cookie, I look over my shoulder, and I say, "SHUT UP, JILLIAN. I CAN EAT A COOKIE."

And then I eat the cookie.

But seriously. I feel as if I have to justify the things I do to Jillian Michaels, like she is some kind of demented fairy following me around wherever I go.

And when she tells me to drink water and not pop, I am like, "Sure!"

But when she says, "Don't you dare eat that bagel," I am like, "I will eat this bagel, you skinny twig woman, because I am over a head taller than you, and only your speedy running will stop me from taking your video camera and your microphone and putting them on this tall shelf where you cannot reach them!"

Because Jillian, with her videos and her website, likely needs those two things to make all of the money.

Today, I thought I would listen to Jillian and be healthy and eat some fresh tomatoes instead of the chips someone left in the break room, so I did, but I have an intolerance to tomatoes, which is like an allergy, but not quite. So I ate my tomatoes, and then twenty minutes later, I was doubled over in agony, because tomatoes hit my stomach and then irritate it and it HURTS. That is what I get for trying to be healthy. And for ignoring the various warnings that health professionals have given me about this tomato thing.

But seriously: tomatoes taste awesome. I am going to eat them until I land in the hospital. Then I'm getting an epi pen, and I am still eating tomatoes. That is what I say.

This stupid pin on Pinterest said that by the end of week two of whatever exercise thing the pinner was imagining, one would notice a difference. So after my workout, I looked in the mirror. And you know what?

There is no difference, aside from this new-found psychosis of mine.

But hey, at least I'm getting something out of this.

The pinner also said that in FOUR weeks, you guys would notice a difference. That's the kind of thing that makes me wish I'd taken "before" pictures to compare with the "after." But that's the kind of forethought that would have had me exercising before now. And also, would I have wanted those "before" pictures hanging around and haunting me in years to come? No. No I wouldn't.

Tomorrow will be the start of week three. I'm hoping to begin to grow accustomed to the violent physical torture of level two during this time. I've made a goal for myself for week three. It is a humble sort of goal.

I would like to stop sweating my glasses off my nose during plank jacks.

Because that's just depressing.


  1. I'm so glad I'm not yet blind enough to need to wear my glasses while working out. Granted, everything becomes this tilted just-sort-of-blurry mess when I take my glasses off, but I mean, I can FUNCTION. Just not for long periods of time. I fear contacts are in my future.

    Also, plank jacks suck. You are way more awesome that me now. I'd skip those. Wait, maybe I shouldn't say that...

    1. They do suck. But I do them anyway. And then my glasses fall off my nose, and I cannot see them anymore. They are mere inches from my face, but they disappear, because I am BLIND. Well, mostly.