Monday, May 21, 2007

Clarification

I use this blog as the sole outlet I have for what I am really feeling about an issue. Sometimes this makes people angry, but that happens when two people talk face to face too. The only difference is, when I argue with someone in person, I dissolve into a wreck of a person and take months to recover.

A friend let me know that a prior post about an argument was interpreted as my telling the world I was all right and the other person was all wrong. That was not the meaning of the blog.

I combined in that entry all of what was upsetting me at the time of writing it, a great many things, only one of which was that argument.

If the link is carefully read, it states that if a man does not make it clear to you what is intended in a relationship, it means he is "just not that into you." The same reasoning is applied if a man doesn't get back into contact with you. As I had been analyzing the argument I had, knowing that the person I had argued with had not attempted to contact me in response to the argument, the book I linked to came to mind. That was why the link was there. I felt like I wasn't wanted or desired. Therefore, I shared that feeling on the blog. I did not state that I was all right.

Then, I moved on to discuss what I planned to go on to do. I tossed off all the rage I had at my dad regarding issues we have, to be discussed with our therapist, I shrugged off the stress and pain of my illness, I forgave myself for the mess of classes and the decided atmosphere of underachievement that will emerge in my grades in the next few days, something that has caused me many tears. I left behind the fear I have about being well enough to work a regular job, something more than what I do at The Monitor, since I need another job to pay the bills. I also gave up the worry that I won't find a job that will pay enough or give me an environment I can work in with my health as it is. I gave up even more stress when I released the terror and fear I have about car shopping with my dad, knowing the many fights we will have resulting from the need to buy a new car and the conflicts of what I want versus what he thinks I should have. The final burden, the loss I feel after letting so many friends leave me behind, was also let go.

I should have explained this in a clearer way. I apologize.

Also, reading that excerpt and all of what it said about how a woman should be treated made me feel special. I liked that. I wanted to express that, but it may have been misinterpreted.

I've been stuck in my house, out of touch with my friends for a long time. Some of them read the blog, and they took what was written here as being related to the single recent event which they are aware of. There was and is a lot more going on with me than that.

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