Monday, October 20, 2014

Canning and Super Glue Stitches

Yesterday I was making an omelette. I discovered this year that I actually like omelettes, but only if they have some kind of acidic component to balance them out. So I looked for tomatoes.

(Let's just ignore the fact that I'm tomato intolerant, and they cause me lots of problems if I eat them. I like tomatoes. They don't like me, but I like them.)

We were out of tomatoes. Then I thought, huevos rancheros have salsa! Eggs and salsa! So I reached for a jar of salsa. I had made salsa, you see. I made it, I put it in jars, and I canned it in the jars using a hot-water bath. So the jar was a canning jar. It had a flat metal disc for the seal, and a threaded ring you put on over the seal to protect it.

Exhibit A.

The thing about a jar like that is that unscrewing the lid does not break the seal. No. You need a fancy tool to pop open the top, but we do not have that fancy tool. No. Instead, I did what I always do in such circumstances, I pulled out a butter knife.

You probably think you know what's going to happen. But you don't.

I put the edge of the butter knife against the seal and used the edge to break the seal. It was a stubborn seal (which is good, because no salmonella), so I had to work at it. When the seal finally popped open, the jar lid sprang loose with great intensity.

And then it scissored me open like a filet knife. You thought it would be the knife that got me. Nope.

Every once in a great while, I actually hurt myself. See, mostly, my injuries are wimpy bruises, tiny cuts, scrapes, bumps, and so forth. The only thing that makes them of any importance is that they usually occur in ways that are amusing or humiliating (or both). But once and a while, I'll be working in the kitchen, or I'll fall down stairs and instead of blushing or laughing until I cry, I get that weird adrenaline chill that comes when your body tells you, "Hey. This is bad."

It took twenty minutes to get the bleeding to stop. During that time, I pitched my omelette, because no one wants a bloody spinach omelette. Well, maybe vampires, but not me.

I went to a baby shower, I went for a run. I kept my band-aid dry, and I thought I'd be okay. But then I opened a drawer and started bleeding again. Stupid finger.

This led to me yanking open the kitchen junk drawer and giving myself hospital-style liquid stitches using a tube of super glue. Didn't know you could do that? You can. Here's how it works. CLEAN your injured area. Open the super glue tube. Squirt the glue on your cut. Let the glue dry. Have a nice time.

The only problem with this was that I turned on a light this morning and split my finger back open and had to repeat the super glue application. But the glue is waterproof, at least, so I got to wash my hair this morning. There's that.

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