Monday, October 13, 2014

Painting in the Rain

I would like to entertain you with funny stories about the variety of fun I had this weekend, but really I had a cold so I spent the whole weekend at home feeling gross.

I know this feeling well.

Also I spent a lot of time scraping paint off of the house so that we could place more paint on top of it, which is a metaphor for the futility of life.

We finished scraping and priming the bits of the house that needed touched up (thankfully, we aren't painting the WHOLE house, just a few spots that needed some help). Painting will happen this week, provided there isn't rain. Apparently rain and paint don't mix well, or maybe they mix TOO well. I don't know, I am not a paint expert. I know about books, though. I have something.

Also I know about colds. I have a patented cold cure. Are you ready for it?

Okay.

  • First, you turn your electric blanket on. Not TOO high, but get it nice and warm. 
  • Fill a giant bottle with lots of water. 
  • Get inside the bed. 
  • Drink the water.
  • Sleep as much as possible.
  • Wake up only to drink more water and to use the restroom (which you will need to do because of all the water you'll be drinking).
  • If you can't manage any more sleep, binge-watch a series with MANY seasons, like The Gilmore Girls. The Cosby Show worked well for me during one bout of bronchitis. I also recommend Doctor Who, Criminal Minds, America's Test Kitchen, and Say Yes to the Dress (laughing at spoiled girls throwing tantrums is fun). Really, you can't go wrong unless Netflix is missing multiple seasons. Always check before you start watching.
  • Repeat for additional days as needed until cold is gone.
You thought it was medicine, didn't you? Nope. I do take medicine, but I can't add cold medicine to the variety of asthma and allergy medicines I'm already supposed to take. Usually I just add in a glass of wine or some ibuprofen to my preexisting cocktail of prescriptions.

Feel free to try out the Death To Colds solution during your next bout of disease. You'll find that, with some small modifications, it works with almost any common illness! 
  • For flu, add in a hearty dose of guilt because it's actually your fault that you're sick, since you skipped the flu vaccine. Enjoy some tea, the only substance known to cure guilt and self-loathing.
  • For stomach bugs, add in even more water, and possibly Vitamin I* or Pepto Bismol! Shun all food, you don't need food. Food is for the healthy. You'll just throw it up anyway, so why try? 
  • When struggling with bronchitis, laryngitis, a sinus infection, or other respiratory malady, give up. You're drowning in your own lungs, and no one can help you. Make sure you watch your favorite shows one more time before the end.
Do you have a favorite cold treatment? Did you do anything fun this weekend? Do you know why you shouldn't paint a house before it's going to rain? Let me know in the comments!

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