Monday, April 13, 2015

Dear Interloper Dog

I really love dogs. Dogs are awesome. You guys have great smiles, and I love the whole tail wag thing. Dogs make my life better.

But dude, I am not a fan.

Why my house? Why at 3:45 AM? WHY?????

No, really. WHY?

I just don't get it. Why don't you want to sleep at your house? I assume you went home for food, but really, did you have to leave again afterward?

Mum opened the curtains to see why Darcy was barking, and you looked her right in the face. She thought she was going to be murdered, but no. It was you, staring in our window, standing on our deck. This may have been before you peed on my car (car wash was $6.00 buddy, pay up) and stood on the door, leaving muddy footprints all over the place.

And then you stayed. You could have left! But you stayed. You were there when I woke up this morning, there when I left for work. I really love how you insist on trying to get inside our house. And chasing me to my car is a real treat. I love it. Especially in my work clothes that can't get dirty. You are bigger than me, so this is really reassuring. I would probably be LESS freaked out if you were a pit bull, what with them being smaller than you. My whole head could fit inside your mouth.

Running in front of my moving car after I pulled onto the road was a nice touch, too. I mean, I don't want to kill you, but I guess you wanted proof? Either way, it's good to know my reflexes are good enough to save your life and my own.

It's just SUPER that you feel comfortable enough at our place that you don't ever want to leave. I'm sure my parents loved walking you back to your house this morning, since your owner couldn't be bothered to come pick you up from our house (again). Leaving work is way too much trouble for her, she says. Lucky that it's no inconvenience at all for my parents to deliver you to her door. I mean, they don't have anything better to do with their time, right? But that's not your fault, that's hers. She is a bad doggy mommy. You really deserve better.

I feel like, if you had a better family, we would not be in this situation. A family that did their research about your breed of dog and knew that they'd have to install at least a 4' fence before bringing you home would probably also be the sort of family to give you plenty of exercise, make sure you had attention, trained you to stay at home, and made sure they were choosing you not because you looked like a white puff ball as a puppy, but because they knew your breed's specific traits fit their lifestyle. Instead, you have a family who put up no kind of fence, uses a chain you can slip out of tried the electric fence thing--which the internet says just annoys your breed of dog--and then decided to ignore you and not care where you were instead of trying to train you. You ended up with the short straw, man, and I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to be worried about getting hit by a car or shot at by angry people. You should be safe.

I don't want sucky things to happen to you, dude, but get the heck off of our lawn, off my car, and away from our house. Stop following us home. Please stop pooping everywhere. Please stay at your house. Seriously.

You aren't even reading this, are you? Probably not.


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