Friday, August 15, 2014

Dinner Conversation

This is what dinner is like at my house. Because you need to know such things.

Dramatis personæ: The Brother, Dad, Mum, Laura

[Begin Scene, family seated around dinner table, excepting The Brother, who is standing in the dining room next to the table.]

The Brother: "I am going to watch my show." [departs to watch The West Wing in the next room]
Laura: [Fake sobbing] "He doesn't want to be with us!"
The Brother: "Your tears fuel me."

[Several minutes of silent eating. Discussion resumes over topic of prenatal doctor visits.]

Mum: "I never had any of those."
Laura: [mortified] "Yes, you did! You saw a doctor when you were pregnant."
Mum: "Well, yes. But they didn't call them that. And it was just me, no one came with me." [points at Dad] "You never came with me to any of my doctor's appointments, did you?"
Dad: "I'm not going to answer that."
Mum: "They didn't let you. They never let fathers into the delivery room, either, not until our generation."
Dad: "True."
Laura: "And now they have cameras. And photographers. And video..."
Mum: "They shouldn't let cameras in."
Dad: [noise of disgust]
Mum: "There were no ultrasounds for us, either. They had them, but our Doctor didn't use ultrasounds unless there was a problem. He didn't want to risk it in case of any harm."
Laura: "And that's why I don't have 16 kinds of cancer."
Mum: "Why do they do them so much now?"
Laura: "Because people want to know what's in there, and a flashlight doesn't shine up far enough."

[Family looks at Laura in disgust.]

Laura: [Points at Dad] "Are you coming running with me?"
Mum: Maybe you should wait for his new blood pressure medicine to kick in.
Laura: Oh, he doesn't need that. He has almost nothing wrong with him, except that freaky heart vein thing. [begins making weird vein noises]
Dad: [laughs so hard he cannot breathe]
Laura: [uses hand to make circle representing vein, constricts vein, makes vein noises in higher pitch]
Dad: [laughs, coughs, wipes eyes]
Mum: [looks pointedly at Laura] "You're going to put this in your blog, aren't you?"

Obviously, yes. I mean, the flashlight comment alone won this a place in the blog. And if you meet me in real life and want to know what a constricting vein sounds like, I will, of course, oblige.

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